I Hate the Word Should

Yep. I totally do.

I have said this to several people, only for them to give me a sideways look and quickly change the subject.

I understand. It’s a word used in American culture so very often. It’s easy to wince at the idea.

But, let me share my thought process here, and see if you think it makes sense. Because I think you might agree with me.

The word should implies an expectation, and thus a judgment if the expectation is not met.

“You should do your laundry once a week.”

The expectation is, that you do your laundry once a week. If you don’t, in the eyes of the speaker, a judgement is cast about you, since the expectation was not met.

How does it feel when you are judged? Does judging other people serve any kind of purpose?

Who wants to do something because they “should?” Isn’t that a bit like, when we were growing up, the EXACT thing our parents didn’t want us to do, we wanted to do — really bad? And mostly just because they told us not to.

Don’t we all want to do things we WANT to do, because it genuinely flows from who we are and how we think? Isn’t that, like, WAY MORE FUN? Better for the people around us? More productive? Inspirational?

Why, then, do we use the word should SO much?

Our words shape our emotions, expectations, and intentions. They imply. Using the word should may not seem like a big deal, but it might actually be more deadening than we realize.

Well, Lacey, how do we avoid using the word should, then? There isn’t a substitute… is there?

GOOD NEWS — There is!

Need to or want to.

It’s as easy as that.

Example — Everyone should have access to free healthcare, if they want it. Everyone NEEDS access to free healthcare, if they want it.

Doesn't that just sound more…human? Because I would venture to say that it is — due to the word need.

The words want and need strike a chord within us, based on our human nature, to respond in a more open and receptive way. We all have wants and needs. We understand them, because they are a part of who we are as a species. We are naturally inclined to fill a want or a need.

In the past I have worked a lot with elementary aged children, both as a teacher and as a nanny. I have observed when I tell the kiddos that they should do something, they are not quick to want to do it. But, when I share that I need them to do something, (i.e. I need you to put your shoes on so we can leave for school) they respond much more positively and are much more willing to cooperate.

That’s probably because the words want and need are the language of relationship. Kids, and adults, are motivated by a genuine exchange with someone in which they are in relationship, and namely, a good relationship.

Sometimes, in fact, using the word want is even better than using the word need. It is an expression of who I am and where I am, a desire I have. It is sharing and allowing the other person to make a choice to participate with you, because they want to fill your desire.

“I want us to leave at 7:00 on the dot so we can make it to school at 7:40. I want us to use kind words with each other. I want you to stop hitting me, I feel sad when you do.”

Share how their actions make you feel in a non accusatory manner, and you have a powerful recipe for intimacy, relatedness, connection and a potential to truly accomplish daily goals together.

Let’s just stop using the word should. It doesn’t motivate on a genuine level. It’s pretty manipulative. It feels removed from human relationship, which is at the root of natural motivation.